He Gives & Takes Away

It was a Wednesday morning in March, the 16th to be exact. I woke up anxiously excited as I walked into the bathroom with shaky hands and unwrapped the packaging…

After meeting with the fertility doctor the previous year, we were told that we had a 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally. We pursued low tech fertility treatments without success then began saving for IVF which we were told would most likely be the only way we could have a family. On March 16,2016 we were to pay the deposit to start our IVF journey.

…I closed my eyes and prayed “Lord, whatever the result, I will give you glory and praise your name.” Imagine my surprise when I opened my eyes on that Wednesday morning to see the word “pregnant” on the test screen. I was filled with so much joy because God was doing the impossible! I remember practically busting the office door down to hand Corey the test. With tears in my eyes I said the words, “You are going to be a Daddy.” A grin filled his face as he embraced me.

In the weeks to come our joy quickly turned to mourning.

I was walking through the hospital early in the morning to get to my department where I was working as a RN. I made a quick stop in the bathroom because something didn’t feel right. I remember texting Corey, “Something is wrong. It’s too much blood. The doctor was right. I am miscarrying.”…

The week before I had gone into the office for some check up blood work to assure that the pregnancy was progressing normally. We were also surprised to be able to see our baby on ultrasound. Later that afternoon my nurse called me and told me that my lab numbers were not where they needed to be. I should prepare myself for what was coming and call them if I had any concerns. I hung up the phone confused, hurt, but hopeful that God would sustain our little miracle.

…With tears in my eyes I continued walking to my department, Neonatal ICU, where I would take care of sick babies all day while I was losing my own. I could have talked to the charge nurse and gone home but I felt like I had a responsibility. I also wanted a distraction and to pretend that what I knew was happening wasn’t reality.

I finished the longest shift of my nursing career and walked out the front of the hospital. Tears filled my eyes as I got into the car with Corey who picked me up instead of allowing me to drive home myself. I cried the entire way home. Nothing made sense.

Why would God give us a miracle baby and then take it away?

I held on to the only verse that gave me even a glimpse of peace. “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21b

I had to trust Him.

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